Sarah told me it started slowly.
“He started watching Fox News more and more,” the soon-to-be divorced mom, who has been married for over two decades, said. “Then, it became an obsession.”
And, it wasn’t just a TV news habit Sarah, which is not her real name, revealed. She noticed her husband becoming more controlling, argumentative and misogynistic. “I felt trapped and couldn’t take it anymore. It was like he was the king of his castle and I was one of his servants.”
That’s why Sarah decided to divorce and, even though they are living in the same house during the process, she’s secretly voting against his wishes–for Kamala Harris.
“I think of it as my first step toward freedom,” she told me excitedly. And Sarah is far from alone. As a divorce coach who is also a domestic abuse survivor, I have many clients I’m helping escape unhealthy unions. While many still think of domestic abuse as a physically violent incident, there is a growing recognition that coercive control can also be devastating. It’s a pattern of behavior–which can be physical or not - that includes intimidation, monitoring, tracking, sexual coercion, isolation and financial abuse. So far seven states have codified coercive control as a form of domestic violence (Hawaii, Washington, Connecticut, Colorado, California, New Jersey and Massachusetts).
It’s not uncommon for my coaching clients who desperately want to escape to discover hidden cameras (one husband had over 30) watching their every move, spyware on their personal devices and air tags tracking their activities. This can include abusive spouses telling you who you can socialize with, what to wear, what to eat and, of course this election year, how to vote.
Unless a controlling spouse has planted a hidden camera in your phone or purse though, you have complete autonomy in the voting booth–or if you privately sent in your ballot by mail. In a world that often seems run by men to benefit men, some women say this simple act of defiance helps ease the chronic pain of the Trump years.
“Trump is in many ways like an abusive partner and countless women have been re-traumatized by watching him get off scot-free for years, including two impeachments,” said Dr. Elizabeth J. Engelberg, a clinical psychologist. “The dynamic is the same: gaslighting, promising the world, manipulation and abuse. Survivors felt relief when Trump was defeated but wonder, ‘Will he get away with it all?’”
Abuse victims who left their partner are on the other side of divorce feel the same way.
“It’s like a battle between good and evil right now,” said Beth Corso, who is still fighting her ex-husband in court. “If Trump is not elected again and faces justice, I’ll finally get the money my ex owes me. If Trump gets off scot free these narcissists who create big lies and stick to their false realities triumph over all of us abused women.”
Aimee Berger-Girvalo, a Democrat who’s running for re-election to her Connecticut State Representative seat, said she’s seen a shocking amount of this dynamic campaigning door to door.
“I met one woman who is in her eighties, just lost her husband last year and is voting for the first time in decades–and it will be for Kamala,” Berger-Girvalo told me. “She actually said to me ‘I finally get to vote, and there's nothing he can do about it.’”
Then there were the homes where the husband was not on the State Rep’s list, probably because he was a registered Republican, but his wife was on the Democrats’ roster as a possible supporter. “On more than a few occasions, the woman I was looking for would find her way into the foyer or wherever while he was talking to me, and would smile at me from behind him, in a way that made me know she was voting blue,” Berger-Girvalo said. “But she certainly wasn't saying it out loud, and she wasn't going to interrupt him. That happened way more often than I really want to admit.”
Women are also secretly rejoicing that their votes (and sometimes their grown daughters) will “cancel out” their husband’s vote for Trump. Both voters and my coaching clients usually whisper this with a gleam in their eye, followed by a quick wink.
Since I often coach clients to keep the status quo in their household while they make preparations to divorce, they know they must keep their disobedience on the down low. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” another client we’ll call Tammy told me. “Until he sees Kamala winning on Fox.” She cackled.
Don’t worry ladies, your secret is safe with me.
Tips for Divorcing a Coercive Controller:
- Do not tell your spouse what you’re planning. We are often raised on the idea that “honesty is the best policy.” When you’re trying to outsmart a coercive controller/narcissistic abuser you must look out for yourself first.
- Create a support team of professionals who understand domestic abuse. I became a divorce coach because I wanted to help women going through this situation - and help them avoid mistakes. Trauma informed therapists and attorneys are also key members of your team. You can schedule a free 15-minute Coaching Consultation with me to learn more here.
- Document everything. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that can be psychological, financial and/or physical and results in an uneven power dynamic in a relationship. Be sure to log dates and details of abuse.
- Make sure you have a safety plan. It takes the average abuse victim seven times before they leave for good. When you make the decision to flee, confirm you have a place to go and prepare for the care of children, pets and personal belongings.
- Ask for help. This is the time you’ll need friends and family to lean on. Find an in-person support group in your area or join my free Facebook community for divorcing/divorced women called Strong Savvy Women.